13 June 2018

Let's Talk About Gentle Dominance

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hello everyone this is Evie Lee pine

welcome back to my channel and today I have another video for you all today I would like to discuss the term gentle dominance namely what does the term mean what does it imply where did it come from my thoughts about it and generally just how gentle dominance relates to dominance as a whole now the term gentle dominance is something that I was introduced to through the online community and I have really only ever seen it pop up online I've noticed some felt life groups popping up recently focused around gentle dominance and people using it in Tumblr and on Instagram so it's definitely something that seems to have arisen from the online community and that's only natural because the online community has a lot wider net to cast when it comes to interacting with different ideas and people and then a lot of ways in this own little subculture of BDSM so it really makes sense that people in that specific part of the community would come up with terminology that makes sense for them and describe something that they feel is lacking in the current terminology that we have to describe BDSM relationships so I do want to just

say that and emphasize it because there is no BDSM dictionary there is no one way of thinking about almost any term although the ones that are longer lives the ones that we have been discussing and debating in the real life community for literally decades have had more time to form a very concrete definition whereas numerators like gentle dominant or primal have not really had that same amount of formative period so what I'm going to be saying in this video should be taken as my opinion not necessarily any sort of fact I try my best to be able to share my thoughts and feelings about things with people from the perspective of being a peer educator of being part of the real-life community but that doesn't mean that what I say is necessarily like the complete one true fact I really really just want to get it out there because I don't want anybody to look at this video and you think that their definition is wrong because of the way that I've said in this video or anything like that but further disclaimers aside let's go ahead and get into the first part of this video which is what does it mean when people use the

term gentle dominance and for me when I hear the term gentle dominance and in the context that I hear it discussed and the people who are using it namely people who are interested in DV ology or pet play in some regard it's a way of referring to a style of dominance where they don't do the hard things they maybe don't have very strict punishments they maybe don't do impact play they don't do latex humiliation degradation heavy bondage they don't do things that maybe one would traditionally associate with the cornerstones of BDSM things that are traditionally found even in the leather community and things that you might see on like porn from kink.com it's a very specific subset or type of dominance that rather than focusing on the in colder sadistic aspects that get focused on a lot of times in media presentations especially of BDSM it's about the caring nurturing side of somebody being a dominant it's not necessarily the same thing as being a daddy dominant which is the next thing that I want to discuss it's more about emphasizing the caretaking aspect of a dominant submissive relationship or the caregiving aspect that a dominant can't

provide to a submissive rather than pretty much any other aspect of BDSM it seems like it's very much unlike being gentle and and careful and soft with a submissive now how does this differ from daddy Dominus because a lot of the reasons why people engage in Daddy dominance and why they engage in DDL g or cgl relationships is because they enjoy taking on that caregiver role and what I would say is that somebody who is engaged in gentle dominance may or may not be a daddy or any other form of CG as there were so maybe are not a mommy they maybe you're not a caregiver and you can be a gentle dominant and be a pet owner you can be a gentle dominant and be a master really it's a way of describing a specific type of dominance in general then describe me something specifically that within a CGL orth in a tlg dynamic with daddy dominance i think the really key difference to remember between a daddy DOM and somebody who is a gentle dominant is that not all daddy Tom's are gentle by any means online I think a lot of the presentation of diatoms that we get is that gentler side that easier to digest side of DDL G where it's about

caretaking and guidance and nurturing but daddy dogs can be pretty fucked up and so can any other kind of CG for that matter you can be in a cgl relationship that's based in like the dirty perverted uncle and like the sweet innocent niece you can have one where it's a strict nun that runs an orphanage and their orphan you know there's all kinds of dynamics in a DDL G or an AC GL relationship that can absolutely not look gentle in any way shape or form so that's really what the difference is to me is just acknowledging that not everybody in a CGL dynamic wants or does gentle dominance and gentle dominus it's not something that is exclusive to Dede ology or irsie GL in any way so moving on what do I think about the term gentle dominance and this is very very very much my own personal opinion so please take this with a grain of salt if if you feel different than I do this is an opinion based video that is why it is in my opinion playlist on my channel so please do not take this personally but I do not like the term gentle dominance I think it is a good shorthand for some people in a very specific subset of the community to communicate

with each other I don't like the implications that the term gentle dominance gives to dominance as a whole and that's really my issue with it I just had to take what like two minutes to explain how dental dominance and daddy dominance or cgl is not the same thing so you can imagine that I am not fond of the term dental dominance because they don't necessarily think it really lends anything to the conversation maybe a and a bit of confusion I don't like it because it doesn't do any shorthand that would not be better suited to an in-depth negotiation and it also makes this frankly Mart worrisome implication that other types of dominance cannot be gentle or are not gentle in the same way why do I think it's a problem that the term gentle Dominus makes implications about other kinds of dominance and the reason why I think this is not a great thing is because it it I think it really just outlines the extent of some of the misunderstanding and the misinformation that exists especially the online community once again about other types of dominance again because media presentations often especially present

female dominance as being cold domineering sadistic uncaring that they all enjoy humiliation that they're all wearing nine inch platform patent leather boots and full latex and their main goal in life is to take your money and control your free will and your penis and leave you feeling worthless and humiliated all the time and that somehow like the counterbalance to that is gentle dominance and there's like nothing between that spectrum that exists like either you're a gentle like is it it's like you can't be gentle unless you're gentle dominant like it's like there's no nuance to the idea of what dominance looks like it's either your dental or your not as opposed to the truth of 95 percent of BDSM relationships because there are people who do very exclusively extremely male iation and degradation and that makes them feel fulfilled it's great and it's wonderful but most people exist somewhere on a spectrum or the varying levels of gentleness depending on the situation the nature of the submissive the nature of the relationship to seen so on and so forth like you can both exhibit activities that focus on

humiliation on degradation on using somebody as human furniture on incorporating sex into your BDSM there are a lot of ways that I think people who are talking about genitals ominous would consider oh you can't be gentle and do that stuff but if I do a two hour long impact play scene and then my dominant gives me a warm bubble bath and reads me he cummings poems while I fall asleep does that not make him gentle because he's not a gentle dominant because he does other things if I engage in sexual abuse M is that not gentle if I find personal fulfillment and being human furniture does that mean that my Domon is not able to be kind and gentle towards me if you do something like say face slapping as punishment for not remembering to drink out of your sippy cup instead of from the big girl cup is that like it's like there's no it's it's like there's no spectrum where a dominance can be gentle at some moments and then Harsha others or even like 90% gentle and then 10% hard it's like this very like black-and-white idea pops in my head when I hear people talk about gentle dominance and something else that I

think is an unfortunate implication of gentle dominance is because it just creates in my mind this idea of like a submissive that wants to be treated like a Faberge egg at all times and not actually really given a lot of opportunities for growth and sometimes I think the best parts of Dee's relationships are those that challenge is submissive that create rules and structure there is a reason why we have things like limits and PDS and why we have there are negotiations why we set up boundaries and it's because all of those things should be talked about and not try to be assumed in a single one-word prefix an existing term and a lot of people are familiar with and on the other hand again it does create the idea there's not a spectrum I have actually buddies that people engaging in BDSM or relationship types that people engage in it is either you are a gentle dominant or you are a cold cruel femme Don as opposed to acknowledging that all dominance exists on a spectrum just says all Submission exists on a spectrum where people vary between 99.999% called sadistic on feelings dominatrix and by

99.999% gentle loving caregiving mother figure you know or or whatever it is whatever your gender identity is whatever you know roles or titles you play with there is a spectrum there between those two points and I think it's more important that we acknowledge that there is this spectrum that people usually exist on as opposed to trying to create walls and boxes around certain terminology the reason why that gets to these how much is it limits the conversation that we can have around what dominance looks like because it creates those walls that there's gentle dominance and then there's everything else as opposed to trying to fight against the media presentations that we are given of what dominance looks like the usual narrative that we have in BDSM erotica or literature that talks about what a dominant looks like as opposed to creating nuance we're just creating the opposite who were just created the thing on the other end of the spectrum that we can you know have be the new thing potentially that is the media portrayal and then ignores the vast majority of what actual BDSM relationships look like but I don't want to bash on anybody who

engages in this type of dominance or has this type of relationship because if it works for you and maybe I had the misunderstanding of what it means or what it implies that's great like I am NOT gonna be judgemental at all about what your relationships look like I don't care if you were 16 kinds of pets and a little and a service and missive and a slave all at once you get to define what your relationships look like in the terms that you use always remember that I do not get to decide that for you my opinion does not change that I just want people to be aware because of a beginning so many questions about it what my honest opinion is about gentle dominance and the implications that it makes for me it does not make your relationship bad it does not make my relationship better it does not mean that I think that gentle dominance is in any way invalid style of relationship I just want to encourage people to perhaps be more thoughtful when they are using terminology how may be a shorthand is creating an unwanted implication or how maybe especially if you're trying to find a partner how using that shortening it may actually be limiting you or be

causing people to create certain images of you as a submissive or I could just confuse people because they've never even heard of that term before so that is what I wanted to cover in today's video please let me know if you what you think if you have any comments or questions if you participate in a dynamic that involve gentle dominance or you are interested in yourself I would love to hear from you I am all about working on my own opinions and my own perspective when it comes to new terminology especially terminology that is presented online so I would love to hear more and I would love to revisit this topic when I get more feedback from people who are actually engaged in the style of relationship but that is all I wanted to get to today leave comments questions down below once again links to my social media all of that will be down in the description box if you like this video you haven't already please do subscribe I make videos twice a week and until I see you guys next time open up get rest your day and if you rest your week goodbye [Music]