24 June 2016

Thank You Congress For Sitting On Your Asses

Congress has finally done something interesting! Also, Stephen does not want to live in a world where Paul Ryan gets to decide what's on television. "Subscribe ...

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, YOUR HOST FOR "THE LATE SHOW" TONIGHT. HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN WATCHING THIS SIT-IN IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PRETTY DRAMATIC. IT IS SO RARE THAT CONGRESS DOES ANYTHING INTERESTING. (LAUGHTER) DOESN'T IT FEEL THAT WAY? WAIT, WAIT, WHAT'S GOING ON! I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING IN MY ADULT LIFE HAPPENING THAT I SAID, "OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D EXPECT OF CONGRESS. (LAUGHTER) IS THAT A SHRED OF COURAGE I SEE? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I SEE SOMETHING IN THERE. SO I WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD: "THANK YOU CONGRESS FOR SITTING ON YOUR ASS." (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: AFTER THE PROTEST BEGAN, PAUL RYAN DECLARED A RECESS AND CUT OFF C-SPAN'S LIVE FEED. (AUDIENCE BOOING) NOW, PERSONALLY, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PAUL RYAN DECIDES WHAT'S ON TV. (APPLAUSE) I'M GUESSING IT WOULD JUST BE P-90X INFOMERCIALS AND TOP GUN. 24 HOURS A DAY. (APPLAUSE) ♪ DANGER ZONE!♪!♪ I CAN SEE HIM AS A TOM CRUISE, YEAH. BUT THE WHOLE THING BACKFIRED ON REPUBLICANS WHEN THE DEMOCRATS USED PERISCOPE, WHICH GAVE THE SIT-IN A LO-FI, GUERILLA-STYLE THAT FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING. IT'S PRETTY GRAINY, BUT TO BE FAIR, MOST CONGRESSMEN ARE SO

OLD THAT THEY SHOT THAT FOOTAGE ON ROTARY PHONES. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT AGAIN, IT FELT EXCITING. HERE'S AN EXAMPLE. I DI DID YOU NOT, WHEN HE HEARD ABOUT THIS, MY TEENAGE SON SAID, "LET'S GO WATCH C-SPAN!" I HOPE HE'S NOT ON DRUGS. (LAUGHTER) AND HE WASN'T ALONE, CSPAN SAW AN 800% INCREASE IN RATINGS LAST NIGHT. 800%! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S MEANS LIKE 800 PEOPLE WERE WATCHING. (LAUGHTER) THINGS REALLY GOT CRAZY. PAUL RYAN CAME BACK TO THE HOUSE TO ATTEMPT TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THE CHAMBER. >> HOUSE WILL BE IN ORDER. THE CHAIR WISHES TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING THE DECORUM IN THE HOUSE CHAMBER. >> STEPHEN: AND ONCE AGAIN, JOHN BOEHNER GOES TO BED, SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. (APPLAUSE) BYE-BYE! BYE-BYE, GOOD LUCK! GOOD LUCK, SUCKERS! ♪ (LAUGHTER) AND SOME REPUBLICANS GOT REALLY MAD. IN FACT, ON TWITTER, NORTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN MARK WALKER ATTACKED JOHN LEWIS, TWEETING "CALLING THIS A SIT-IN IS A DISGRACE TO WOOLWORTH'S." KEEP IN MIND, JOHN LEWIS LED WOOLWORTH LUNCH COUNTER SIT-INS DURING THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.

IN THE 1960s. AND THIS GUY'S LECTURING HIM ON WHAT IS OR IS NOT A SIT-IN. I'M NOT SURPRISED MARK WALKER DIDN'T JOIN THE SIT-IN. WITH BALLS THAT BIG, SITTING MUST BE PAINFUL.